Praying

I’ve been praying a lot lately. I’ve been talking to God, screaming out to him, whispering, sending prayers in my mind, writing them down on paper, in church, at home, on my way somewhere… I’ve been missing some really important puzzle pieces of my life for quite some time now. I have been longing for some things in my life to change for such a long time that it was unbearable to stay quiet at some point. So I broke down and started praying.

Oh, I tried everything. Negotiating, asking, demanding – even trying to accept that I will never get it. But I didn’t find the peace in my heart. I still felt that heart breaking need for that one thing.  And I didn’t get it.

I was so miserable – I have been trusting for life to put everything it the right places when the time comes if I’m being true to myself, kind and just keep on moving forward… yet I did’t get what I wanted.

Am I a bad person? Maybe I am? — thoughts started crossing my mind, trying to find some reason to it.  Quotes on the internet kept flashing that we are given the amount of challenges we can handle. That the darker the dark phases, the brighter the light phases. And I have always been happy about the little things, because I almost never had the big joys in my life that other people for some reason had.

I started feeling selfish – how can I feel so depressed for such a nonsense when so many people in the world are suffering? Was it right thing to do? Maybe not, but I can’t control my feelings… or at least I don’t know how to do it. So I was unhappy and kept praying and not understanding why I can’t get what I want.

I had small breakdown yesterday. I didn’t know what to do anymore – so many things I want to do in my life and there is less and less  time for them. And I don’t know how to make them happen. I don’t even know if I should continue the path I’ve chosen. What if I’m wrong? What if this is not the road to my happiness?

And today something happened. It hit me. I’ve been so ungrateful! I was being late for a meeting and then I recalled how many times in my life I have been in a situation when I was fearing a failure, when I was late or couldn’t finish something on time and would hope it would end just fine. If this luck, this blessing that was guiding me trough the life – oh wow – my life wouldn’t be even half as good as it is now. And then  I felt better.

My wish didn’t get granted. I didn’t receive what I’ve been praying for – well not exactly, and maybe just not yet.. but at least I got my peace now. I am not that hurt or scared anymore. I’m happier than I was in a long time – and I had so many reasons to feel happy these past months, but I lost my ability to feel happy. And now it seems I can breath again. I still want what I want. I still don’t know how or when I will get it, but at least now I’m not wondering why I haven’t got it, because I realize how much I have received and it just feels too selfish and ungrateful to demand for more.

I hope this feeling will last.

I guess I am trying to be more focused on the little things – on the things I want to and can achieve now… 🙂

The pursuit of happiness

The day when it all seemed to be too much, too hard to bear too hard to contain – the day when it seemed as if it is impossible to breath. That day her eyes got tired of tears. Her heart got tired of sorrow. That day when she stopped asking „why this is happening to me?” and started thinking of the ways „what can I do to be happy again?” she found peace, she found happiness. Nothing special happened that day, no one came to help, no one gave her advices  – yet she was happy. Happy, because she had found a hope.  A hope for a better day. It wasn’t a castle in the clouds, those were solid, simple steps she could take straight away. The goal is still so far, but now she knows how to get there.  She is no longer afraid to stumble and fall – she already had hit the rock bottom once and she knows now that she can for a fact get out of it.

 

/me, 2013/

Loving the winter

I’ve always loved winter – everything seems frozen, even time. Everything looks beautiful. All the messy things are now covered with white fluffy snow flakes and it helps me to forget all the bad and painful. In winter it just feels like anything is possible. Read more

Arrival

“I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.” ― Oscar Wilde.

Tuesday finally the day came when I went on my journey to Germany. But I’m not sure if this could be described as a real journey. The journey is usually for a really short time. But I will live here for 5 months. Maybe even longer.
The first realization of Germany, which until now I didn’t realize is that everyone here speaks German. This revelation may sound crazy. That may be so. But this is how I feel. Of course, I knew that everyone here speaks German. However, as I have already had one exchange studies, it seemed to me that it will not be an obstacle, and – the Germans are famous for their hospitality! But I do not feel comfortable enough here. Croatia was different – I’ll tell you right away!
Not knowing the language should not be a problem .. but it somehow is. In Croatia it did not matter that I don’t know the language. Why should it be? I was only staying in there for 5 months. In Germany, I do not intend to stay longer as well . However, here not knowing the language is a bad thing for me. I feel uncomfortable. I do not think anyone knows where I come from, or the fact that the Latvian schools offered German language learning, but I feel uncomfortable talking to all in English. Yes, I chose to learn the Russian language and not German, and it was my choice, which is don’t regret. However, I have worries about the fact that I do not know the language.
It is possible that I am still stunned from the flight and therefore I have such a strange sensation, and reflection … maybe. Read more

Are you happy about yourself?

When you have expectations, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
/Ryan Reynolds/

Are you now the person you wanted to be? If no – are you happy about it?

I sometimes wonder – where did I got wrong? What was the turning point for me to find myself so far away from my goal?  I had plans A, B, C to Z if something doesn’t work out, but I didn’t achieve any of them. None. Zero. Read more

Friends and not so much….

“My best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake.”
Aristotle

I feel blessed to know that I have more than one best friend. And no person on this world have the right to make me choose. How can I, when all of them are amazing in their own way? How can I, when I would do just about anything for each and every one of them? The heart is unlimited in the capacity of love it can hold — that is my believe and I hold firmly to that! Read more

Living today!

“The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams.”
Oprah WinfreyNew Picture (53)

Few months ago, when I was confused and scared of what my future will be like,  I watched this TV competition. What surprised me was the way how I changed ever since that night…

When I saw the winners reaction — it amazed me! It was pure happiness! Everyone who saw the competition could see that. This happiness in the eyes of the winner changed me. I wanted to have moments in my life where I would feel as happy as he at that moment. Read more