I’ve been praying a lot lately. I’ve been talking to God, screaming out to him, whispering, sending prayers in my mind, writing them down on paper, in church, at home, on my way somewhere… I’ve been missing some really important puzzle pieces of my life for quite some time now. I have been longing for some things in my life to change for such a long time that it was unbearable to stay quiet at some point. So I broke down and started praying.
Oh, I tried everything. Negotiating, asking, demanding – even trying to accept that I will never get it. But I didn’t find the peace in my heart. I still felt that heart breaking need for that one thing. And I didn’t get it.
I was so miserable – I have been trusting for life to put everything it the right places when the time comes if I’m being true to myself, kind and just keep on moving forward… yet I did’t get what I wanted.
Am I a bad person? Maybe I am? — thoughts started crossing my mind, trying to find some reason to it. Quotes on the internet kept flashing that we are given the amount of challenges we can handle. That the darker the dark phases, the brighter the light phases. And I have always been happy about the little things, because I almost never had the big joys in my life that other people for some reason had.
I started feeling selfish – how can I feel so depressed for such a nonsense when so many people in the world are suffering? Was it right thing to do? Maybe not, but I can’t control my feelings… or at least I don’t know how to do it. So I was unhappy and kept praying and not understanding why I can’t get what I want.
I had small breakdown yesterday. I didn’t know what to do anymore – so many things I want to do in my life and there is less and less time for them. And I don’t know how to make them happen. I don’t even know if I should continue the path I’ve chosen. What if I’m wrong? What if this is not the road to my happiness?
And today something happened. It hit me. I’ve been so ungrateful! I was being late for a meeting and then I recalled how many times in my life I have been in a situation when I was fearing a failure, when I was late or couldn’t finish something on time and would hope it would end just fine. If this luck, this blessing that was guiding me trough the life – oh wow – my life wouldn’t be even half as good as it is now. And then I felt better.
My wish didn’t get granted. I didn’t receive what I’ve been praying for – well not exactly, and maybe just not yet.. but at least I got my peace now. I am not that hurt or scared anymore. I’m happier than I was in a long time – and I had so many reasons to feel happy these past months, but I lost my ability to feel happy. And now it seems I can breath again. I still want what I want. I still don’t know how or when I will get it, but at least now I’m not wondering why I haven’t got it, because I realize how much I have received and it just feels too selfish and ungrateful to demand for more.
I hope this feeling will last.
I guess I am trying to be more focused on the little things – on the things I want to and can achieve now… 🙂