Trust is to be earned. Everyone keeps telling that and everyone knows that. The problem in this statement lies in the simple truth — our life is not always full with challenges that can help us see who we can really trust the moment we meet them. So mostly we trust the wrong people all the time. And only after years of trust we find out the truth.
And what should we do then? You spent years trusting someone and then you learn that you cannot trust the person anymore, but at the same time you start to consider if this is the right thing to do. Everyone deserves a second chance – right? Maybe even it’s not about second chances, it’s more about knowing you are not always perfect either, and of course – the fear of being alone.
So many friends tell us that we can count on them if we ever need it. What I have learned in my life is that these words for most of them is just an empty sound. The more I think about it — the more I see, that even for the little things there is always an excuse. It looks to me that no one wants to help me. How have I come to this?
Maybe because I never thought I would ever need any ones help . Maybe I hoped that day would never come and hearing someone say that they are there for me was so soothing and comforting that I let myself believe it. It really made me believe I have found true friends. I was so happy. Until I found myself in a situation desperately seeking for help and having no one to turn to. Everyone at that moment suddenly found a reason why they are mad at me or why they can’t help me and made me the “big bad wolf”. In the hardest moment of my entire life — I was left alone.
I got trough it, though. I can’t say it was easy or without consequences, but still – I got out. I’m still trying to pick up the pieces, I am still healing even though it has been more than two years since then.
I am still being a friend to all of the people who turned their backs on me. Why? Well there are too many reasons to that one. But the most important to me is I guess the fact that I took the blame, I know now I shouldn’t have, but I did it and I can’t blame anyone for my weakness or inability to defend myself. I lost that battle — that is how I see it. So I have to live with it – with my mistake.
Another reason could be me trying to forgive and forget. Everyone makes mistakes, I have to keep that in mind and so I try to forgive to them and to me for what happened. Yes, I do feel partially guilty and time by time think “Maybe their right?”
Saddest part is that I allowed this thing to break me and change me. I never planned to change and become this person that I have now become. But it happened and I have no clue how to bring back the old me, heck — I don’t even know if I want it. I sometimes remember me. I miss me….I liked her better and I wish I could bring her back, but it’s impossible. The way how I look at life now is completely different from the one I used to. I’m like a planet that has been pushed out of it’s orbit and now has a new path to follow. But who do I take on this journey with me? Who can I trust? With every second that I live, with every new thing I learn – I change, it’s inevitable. I will never be who I was yesterday and I will never know who I will be tomorrow. I can only hope that I will find someone I can trust. But that wont be easy, because “trustworthiness” is a rear characteristic nowadays. If we don’t count those few who really are trustworthy, then this quality can otherwise be seen only in movies and books.
In 21st century it is not a common thing to trust someone. Since childhood we are taught to be careful with people around us, as some people are evil and manipulative, and can’t be trusted. But as a child you can’t figure out who is who. And because of that you don’t really trust no one. No one expects from you to keep your word and promises – it has to be written on paper first. That is really sad. Maybe I just don’t have the right people around me, and because of that I have so many negative examples right now. I don’t know it yet. But I am still a dreamer, and I hope that in not so far future I will be surrounded only with those people who I can trust, and who care truly for me.